I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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