My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
