I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
