i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
