i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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