my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
