So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
