We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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