remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
