listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
