Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
