Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
