He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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