If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
