i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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