Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
