I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
