Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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