Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
