Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
