i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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