Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I would fuck him just for his dog
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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