Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
