I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
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his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize