I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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