You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
