We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
