The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
