Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
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what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize