my room smells like sperm. sweet.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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