I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
