Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.