hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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