It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I see more hoeing in ur future
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