I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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