Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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