I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
