I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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