nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
