I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drunk is not a location!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
