i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
