I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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