I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
