I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
