So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
