This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
