I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
