I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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