Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
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Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
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