I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
