you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
