I think scott just propositioned me for sex
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
