after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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