can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
