Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
