I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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