"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
