I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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