dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it was like his penis was on wheels.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
